zwanni

I have spent most of the time in my little room, listening to Hellsongs or watching Stargate since Chase left.
It is small, and it is not perfect at all, but it is the closest thing to a home I have right now.
I feel very lonely, actually. The only thing keeping me going is my ability for abstraction. I can look at things rationally and stripped from emotions, but I am a living, breathing, feeling human being, so sometimes my emotions take over.
Then I lay in bed and feel the empty space next to me.
It is amazing what a big hole Chase left here. How big of a presence he is when he is there. How warm he is. So warm.

I have a dA-Portfolio now, which is kind of a neat little tool:
As a reminder, this is my online shop:


Have a great autumn, all of you.
I'm going to collect chestnuts and mental strength for the winter.

Does the well of souls really have to stay sealed?

I just finished Meike's birthday cake, and since I'm quite pleased with the result, I thought I'd share with you guys, and also show you the cake I recently made for André's birthday:


The pony cake Meike has yet to receive.


André proudly presenting his gifts.

I have the most wonderful man in the world, and I can't wait to see him.

I cried during the final episode of Stargate SG-1.

So I finally got around to take photographs of a few of the earrings I made.
I am going to sell them in my new online store:

Aswa @ DaWanda

You should check it out.
Right now there are only two pairs of uterus earrings up for sale, but I will add more items this week.

Give me feedback! :)

Sometimes I'm so disgusted with humans, I wish I could simply stay alone forever.
Simply go somewhere where I wouldn't have to deal with anybody.
All those ugly thoughts in their minds, those abysses in their souls, the repelling fantasies and all the destruction they dream about, the power they want to have over other living beings, the dirt they are filled with to the rim.
You disgust me.

Okay that title is like ... uh ... I don't know but it sounds like there are going to be real answers in this entry.
Well, there are not. Sorry.
I just thought it sums up how I feel about the folks around me lately. Njehehe

Alright. Where to start?
I think that the past few years here in Lübeck have changed me.
They have helped me develop in some ways, but they have also crippled other parts of myself. People here are different. They are, even though this is a relatively small country with relatively short distances, but hey, people here have become the way they are and have developed their local cultures for thousands of years. Of course they are different.

I am constantly being reminded of the things I don't like about the way most people I know here behave in social situations.
In German we would say, the have a big stick up their ass. They are socially incompetent.
Some of the people I know here probably genuinely care about me, but they really suck at showing it.
Some of them spend half of the time I see them torturing me with their retarded behavior.

I have been thinking and of course, it is partly me, too. I mean it's not like I haven't grown up a little over the past years, and of course I have become a little whimsical about a few things, too. I guess.
For instance smoking.
And this isn't even Chase's fault.
I fucking hate when people smoke inside. I HATE IT!!
I didn't always hate it as much as I do now, but I have always strongly disliked the habit of smoking in the living/dining/bedroom. Urghs.
The worst part is, since I haven't smoked for quite a while now, I now smell even the smallest hint of it. My hair stinks, my clothes stink, and my eyes burn. my nose feels swollen and my voice suffers, too. Which REALLY is the worst part.

Because my voice is like the only cool thing about me. :(

Hahaha

But anyway, whenever I say something about it, they act as if I was asking them to go to church every sunday and not have sex before marriage.

They also listen to dumb music.

Oh, concerning the title again:
Some people seem to have a habit of throwing their own insecuritiy, incompetence and sheepishness at me and try to give me the feeling like I'm the one with the problem, while really they are the ones who can't handle the world or themselves or anything.
I'm not in, guys. It's your game and I'm not playing it.
If you think you can behave like a complete idiot towards me 90% of the time and still have me as a friend, forget about it.
There are borders and you are crossing them on a daily basis.
I will not miss you.

I am way too awesome for this place and everybody here. Everybody. No joke.

I miss Chase so much today I can hardly think of anything else.

I want Stef to cook dinner right now.

This record is love.
Somebody should give it to me for my birthday. It actually sounds awesome played both at 33 and 45 rpm. Haha!



My friend Mäx is presenting my friend Phil's copy of it in this enchanting photograph. :)
I took it tonight when the three of us watched Mad Max II and some Nuclear Monster trash film. I also made pizza for us all. Yay!

Lüüübeeeeeck! Lüüüübeeeeck! Olé olééééééé!! Olé Olééééé!
Wir steigen aaaaaaaaab! Wir steigen aaaaaaab! Wir steigen aaahaaaaab, wir steigen aaaaab!
Vom Fahrrad natürlich. Absteigen, Fotze!
So läuft das hier.
Und man tut es, damit Oppa einen nicht mit dem Krückstock verprügelt. Oder Omma.

Verfickte Kackstadt - Dog Shit City.
Dumme Fressen wohin das Auge blickt, und Müll und menschlicher Abfall. Und Scheiße. Ganz wörtlich zu verstehen. Jede Menge Kot.
Und all das inmitten dieser majestätisch-mittelalterlichen Kulisse. SCHÖN! SCHÖN! SCHÖÖÖN!

Wenn man hier einfach alles einmal mit dem gesellschaftlichen Kärcher saubermachen würde, eine Art Hochdruck-Genozid, so dass hinterher alles blitzt und blinkt - auf sozialer Ebene - dann könnte man den Scheiß entweder neu bevölkern, was aber alles in allem nen üblen Nazi-Beigeschmack hätte, oder aber alles versiegeln und aufbewahren bis die deutsche Basisbevölkerung cool genug geworden ist um optisch zur örtlichen Architektur zu passen.
Hat auch nen argen Nazi-Beigeschmack. Geht also nicht. Den Vorwurf der beabsichtigten ethnischen Säuberung weise ich aus völkerrechtlichen Gründen weit von mir.

Daher plädiere ich nach wie vor für Auswanderung und Freundliche Übernahme netterer Länder wie z.B. Kanada.
Natürlich dürfen nur tolle und nette Menschen auswandern - also nur ganz wenige. Genaugenommen nur ich.

ALTER!! Bin ich zynisch-albern.
Und außerdem deine Mutter.
Ja genau. Du bist deine Mutter, Alter.
Ach, fick dich doch einfach.

Office jobs are not for me.
I will never ever be able to work in an office every single fucking day, staring at a computer screen as though it was the answer to all my fucking questions.

I am not going to do this to myself.
I know what I am doing it for right now, but this will not last for more than another 4 months.
It's dull and uncreative and fucking boring. And it drives me crazy to sit on my fat ass for hours and hours. It makes me want to jump up and kick something and scream.

I think I really just was not made for these kind of jobs.
How can people be happy with this? They sit in a fucking dark box all day, staring into a light box, ruining their backs and eyes and brains.

Fuck!
I need to go hiking. I wish I knew where.

Die Zeit heilt alle Wunden, sagt man.
Doch hat sie nicht auch Zähne?
Sie kann sehr wohl auch Wunden schlagen.

Vertrauen muss wachsen wie eine Pflanze.
Mann muss sie mit Worten gießen und mit Liebe düngen.
Man muss sie in Licht und Wärme baden und durch dunkle Zeiten tragen.
Und wenn sie gute Gärtner hat, kann diese Pflanze Früchte tragen.

Die Zeit setzt ihr zu, wenn die Pflege nachlässt.
Doch Zeit macht sie auch stark und groß und lässt die Wurzeln tiefer greifen.
Sie bleibt in allen Dingen relativ.

--------------------

Translation:

Time

Time heals all wounds, they say.
But does it not have teeth as well?
Time can also inflict wounds.

Trust has to grow like a plant.
You have to shower it with words and fertilize with love.
You have to bathe it in light and warmth and carry it through dark times.
And when it has good gardeners, this plant can bear fruit.

Time rides it, when it's neglected.
But time also makes it strong and big and lets its roots grow deeper.
Time remains relative, in all things.

Yesterday I took a bath and it was awesome.
I also ate some of the best waffles I ever had.

Night is falling. Tomorrow is a new week. Lots to do.

I wish I had a bath tub.

So after all I got my own account on here so I won't keep using Chase's
I have to go pee now.
-Swaswa